“When I was younger,
so much younger than today
I never needed anybody’s help in any way.
But now those days are gone
And I’m not so self-assured
Now I find
I’ve changed my mind
I’ve opened up the doors.”
~ Help! Copyright © 1965 The Beatles
The Beatles had it right: When we’re young and full of rebellious piss and vinegar, we believe we have all the answers and don’t need to look for guidance from anything or anyone other than our own inner guru.
That it were that simple.
When I was younger – about twenty-eight years ago – because I hadn’t receive the help that I needed for several extremely traumatic events that occurred between the time I was twelve and eighteen, a short time later I chose to follow my own counsel and ended up changing the course of the lives of several people without stopping to think of the consequences of my actions. And even though I sincerely believed that I was doing the best thing I could possibly do for everyone involved, had I the guidance I so desperately needed at the time I required it, everyone’s life would have, no doubt, turned out much differently. We would have been quite a bit happier than we all seem to be at present.
Or would we?
Soul Perspectives
The fact is, short of an alternate dimension time machine, as far as we know, there’s really no way to tell if one course of action is preferable to another. All we can do from our limited human perspectives, is the best we can with what we have at hand. In this case, the limited knowledge and fore-vision that these frail human shells and this existence brings is all we have to work with.
For years I agonized over that course of action, beating myself up because of the decision I had made, and the relentless, ever-present memory of the effects those actions had on the innocent people I had hurt along the way. This, however, created even more problems. Instead of focusing on the NOW – my life at each present moment in time – I was locked into a backward, myopic view of a past that I could never change, the trail of broken hearts that lay behind me, a testament to the fear which I still could not relinquish long enough to see the truth of my own ignorance.
What a waste of precious time. What was done, was done. There truly was no going back.
Yet, still, I couldn’t seem to let go of my past, nor find the answers I so desperately needed in order to alleviate the emotional pain which had become such an intrinsic part of my life.
The Search
Everyone is different with respect to the way they interpret and deal with the past. 
Some can’t wait to shed theirs and never think about it again; others’ are indifferent; and still others’ can’t seem to let go. Unfortunately, because I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and because my natal birth chart is so drenched in the 12th House, Neptunian influences of the Past, I have been one of the latter. Further, my Pluto in Leo in the 1st House and my Mercury in Virgo have caused me to be relentless in finding those answers: I needed to understand what had happened to me, why I was the way I was and had done the things I’d done to hurt so many innocent people regardless of the fact that I loved them so much. I didn’t hurt them, purposely, mind you, but the affect was the same as if I had.
Because of my ‘Christian’ upbringing, my first inclination was to explore religion in order to alleviate the pain and hopefully gain the understanding and respite I needed. However, although I believe in a Higher Intelligence, I finally realized that all religions are divisive and inevitably cause far too much dissension, not only between individuals, but amongst nations. Consequently, religion, too, created far more problems than it solved; therefore I was no farther along my road to self-healing than from that point from which I had begun.
It was during this truly dark night of the soul, that I began to investigate another avenue of potential promise: could astrology hold the answers I sought?
Understanding the Significance of my Natal Astrological Chart
The first time I saw my natal chart nearly 30 years ago, I Sensed PAIN. I couldn’t make heads nor tails of the glyphs and other symbols, but I sincerely felt such turbulent emotions when looking at all the planets jammed into the 12th House, that I strongly Sensed that there was something difficult about the various planetary placements. In fact, I remember that the first thing that came to my mind was the word: KARMA. And at this point I knew virtually nothing about astrology, and even less about reincarnation.
But what was the significance of it all?
Eventually I learned what that significance portended.
For instance, my choosing to be born with so many planets in the 12th House could mean at least one of three things (if not more), and possibly a combination thereof: 1) That I am, indeed, experiencing karmic retribution (12th House = the Past, karma) for some past-life misdeeds for which I need to learn or relearn those lessons in this life; 2) that I am choosing to learn these lessons now since I need to fulfill my ‘quota’ of experiences, and/or 3) that I have something of great import which needs to be accomplished in this life which requires that I experience these lessons so that I will be better able to accomplish whatever it is that I came here to do.
As for the ‘something of great import,’ this is indicated by the geometric planetary configuration involving several planets called a Yod or Finger of God, with Uranus at 29 degrees 32 minutes of Cancer (and which is also my 12th House ruler) as the base for one corner of the Yod, sextile my Mercury in Virgo, both of which quincunx my Chiron (wounded relationships) in Aquarius in the 6th House (health, work, service to others). With Chiron being the focal planet, it seems that my main purpose in this lifetime is to assist others – through my wounds – to come to terms with and release their own. As the astrologer/musician, Martin Lass, says of the lessons Chiron teaches: “The gift is in the wound.” And so it seems, it certainly is. Especially for me.
Knowing this, however was one thing; really feeling, learning and growing from it was something totally different and which has required a whole new visual aide besides the rose colored glasses through which I’d chosen to view the world and my life.
Once the filters came off – once I ceased living in denial about what had happened to me and stopped stuffing all my feelings down inside to the point that they were festering and bursting at the proverbial seams to get out – the anger that had been simmering for so long and occasionally made its way to the surface when interacting with such innocents as my 2nd ex-husband – came out full force. I was angry at the world, but more specifically, at the individuals who had hurt and betrayed me.
These were not minor wounds, mind you. It wasn’t just a matter of ‘sucking it up,’ ‘living with it,’ and ‘getting over it.’ I couldn’t. PTSD does that to you. Had the wounds been minor, I would have been more than happy to let them slide, to forget about them altogether, which I’ve done with many other things throughout my life. But after being sexually abused by five different men by the time I was 18, physically abused and tortured by two of those men and other too-difficult-to-relate occurrences, I couldn’t let go of what had happened. I couldn’t forgive. In fact, once I finally acknowledged that I was not Superwoman, as I’d believed myself to be (and tried to prove every day, in everything I did), I nearly lost touch with reality. And my 2nd ex-husband, my oldest daughter, and others suffered for it.
Yet, regardless of my realizations, it took me nearly 32 years to finally admit that I really needed help in alleviating the pain and anger, and learning to let go of the past.
Even still, after eight years of therapy, although I had made some headway, I continued to feel as though I wasn’t any closer to understanding why things had happened as they did, nor could I let go of the anger I felt towards those individuals whom I believed were the cause of my seemingly forcefully altered life course.
Yet, instinctively I knew, that if I were to be free of the anger and pain, to finally reach the state of peace that had eluded me for so long, I had to make a concerted effort to forgive those whom I believed were responsible for my pain, and – at a deep Soul level – integrate what I knew and what I had continued to learn in order to finally put to rest the demons that had continued to haunt me.
Yet, I still wasn’t quite clear on exactly what I needed to do to accomplish that.
Then somewhere along the way I learned about reincarnation.
‘Sacred Contracts’
Carolyn Myss, who wrote Sacred Contracts, Awakening Your Divine Potential, may have ‘coined’ the term, but not necessarily the idea. Through my mother and other sources, I was familiar with this concept many years before Ms. Myss’s book came out, though I hadn’t formulated a cohesive theory, as such, until the book brought several things together for me.
What I had determined from my own experiences and extensive research into this and many other related subjects, is that this isn’t the only life our Soul lives, nor is this the only planet on which, or the only dimension in which we experience life. As Souls who are intrinsically one with the Divine Source, yet who have been sent forth to experience consciousness in various forms, we each continue to learn those lessons that will eventually (hopefully sooner than later) return us to that state of enlightenment or Divine Bliss from which we began.
I also believe that In Between lives we write out our script for the next life, based on the lessons we feel we either need to learn, or relearn, and enlist members of our Soul Family (and possibly some members of other Soul Families) in assisting us in learning a specific lesson by coming into our lives at a certain point to facilitate that lesson.
Additionally, I believe that we choose the exact time of our entrance into this world (our astrological natal chart), so that we are born with just the right personality traits which will also help us to learn those lessons.
This was great stuff, I decided, but…what next? How did I apply this newly realized knowledge in my own case, or for that matter – and more importantly – how could I utilize this information in such a way as to stop feeling the pain and anger and the projected blame that had been such a large part of my life?
“Radical Self-Forgiveness”
Eventually I managed to let go of the blame and anger towards those who had hurt and betrayed me. Yet, knowing that I had drawn up a Sacred Contract with everyone who has ever influenced my life in any way, didn’t seem to be enough to assist me in letting go of the pain.
Because it was not quite so easy to stop being angry towards and blaming myself for what I had done to my 2nd ex-husband, my daughter and others, it was then that I realized that the pain came from inside me. It was self-inflicted.
As the saying goes, “When the student is ready, the Teacher will appear,” it was about this time that I came across a book entitled: “Radical Forgiveness,” by Colin C. Tipping. According to Tipping (who also believes in reincarnation), “This book will change your life.” And I have to admit, it certainly did. (Go to Kat’s Book Nook Reviews for my review of this book.)
What I had come to realize is that, along with the probability that we draw up contracts with other Souls to experience various lessons in each incarnation, when it comes to situations which cause us pain, there really is nothing to forgive. That is, because other Souls are merely doing what we’ve scripted with them to do, those acts which we believed were perpetrated against us, in actuality, were events that we scripted for ourselves!
Yes, truly ‘radical,’ and yet it made far more sense than so much of the blather organized religion, philosophy and even secularism has attempted to cram down our throats for so many thousands of years. Additionally, it fit in quite snugly with what I saw in my astrological chart.
The fact is, even though I still feel sad over the pain others have experienced because of my actions, I have finally been able to forgive myself, because I firmly believe that they, too, drew up their contracts with me for their own set of experiences.
This knowledge hasn’t necessarily made it easier for me to accept that I’ve harmed others, but at least it’s allowed me to understand why things have happened as they have and to finally put the past in the past and move on with my life…without all the pain, anger and self-recrimination that dwelling on events that are in the past, ultimately brings.
Conclusion
Why, you might ask, am I being so open about all this? Because that is what I came into this life to do as can be seen from my natal astrological chart: to help others understand their wounds by exposing my own, and to show how I’ve been able to alchemize or transform those wounds into positive experiences. To understand that the pain we’ve experienced – and which we’ve caused others – was created as an object lesson to assist towards our goal of perfection and Divine Bliss with a Higher Intelligence, the All That Is, the Great Spirit….
Namaste and Much Love,
Kat Starwolf
Copyright © 2007 Kat Starwolf All Rights Reserved
Kat Starwolf is a practicing relationship and empathic counseling astrologer, researcher, metaphysician and avid reader of anything pertaining to human inter-relatedness, emotions, sexuality, sociology and psychology. She is also currently working on her degree in counseling psychology. She may be contacted at 400 Capital Circle SE, Suite 18-255, Tallahassee, Florida 32301, by phone at 850-980-0250 or via her websitehttp://www.starwolfastrology.com .
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